I’m an idiot.

25Jun10

Today is Friday and our blog group post is due on Wednesday. I logged into Facebook today to see if anyone had chosen a topic.

Wait, dumbass. YOU chose the topic. YOU chose it before Wednesday and YOU’VE been sitting here this entire time waiting? Apparently the craziness of life has gotten to me…that and the fact that I’m convinced I suffered some type of brain tissue loss at some point during my pregnancy. Hmph.

So the topic that I chose for this week was, “If you could change one thing you’ve done (or not done) in your life, what would it be and why?”

It is so difficult to answer this question without thinking about the chain of events that first lead up to the decision or the chain of events which followed. As most people will say, all of the terrible decisions that I’ve made in the past brought me right to where I am today…and this place is pretty amazing. Truth is though, I still would go back and change some of those things hoping that my life still would’ve turned out the way that it has. If I truly believe that B and I were meant for one another, then regardless of what decisions I would go back and change if I had the chance, we still would’ve found one another. So…

I would’ve admitted what was going on in my home to my most favorite teacher during high school when I was prompted for the answer. Without going into the nitty gritty, my life at home wasn’t the greatest or the most healthy. Actually, to say that it was at all healthy would be a total misrepresentation. My home life was terribly unhealthy. It was bad. It was bad to the point where I created this entire world in my own head to escape what was going on at home…and I tried to convince everyone else that my world was reality as well. There were a few times when I was a teenager where the police were called on my parents, where the school was notified, etc. But because my parents had such incredible control over me in every single way, I always kept my mouth shut. I always protected them instead of myself. I would definitely go back and change that.

I’d like to think that if I went back and changed just that one thing, my Mom would’ve been in a position where she needed to get herself some help. Maybe, just maybe, if she would’ve done it then…Well maybe S would have a Grandmother.

She wasn’t at the hospital when he was delivered.
She never came to visit.
She never sent a card.
She never called to say congratulations.
…And she’s never met him.

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